Shitty Committee

Therapy - a great thing. But sometimes it gets real hard to deal with.

This is a self indulgent post, reflecting on a recent therapy session.

It was one in which I learned a lot of truths about myself.

How I’ve been largely avoiding directly dealing with the way I feel most often, and instead practice avoidance by descriving the feeling, rather than saying it out loud.

Well, thanks to a therapist that does not let me off likely, we started lightly but quickly dived deep into the inner workings of my psyche. For someone with ADHD, the temptation to run screaming from any scrutiny of any kind is overwhelmingly strong. I would rather stick pins in my eyes, walk over burning hot coals etc, than face what is actually going on in my head.

And, surprise surprise, what’s going on in my head is a maelstrom of thinking.

We called it the shitty committee, and that’s exactly what it is.

A pile of voices - all mine - that shout down every thought, hope, and dream I have and challenge every decision I make. Couple that with the desire to rank everything in my life as either a success or a failure, and it’s easy to see how the shitty committee has been wining every argument for the last fifty years.

I mena, the point that it’s been around for fifty years is also a key to its effectiveness and power.

So. that’s where I’m at. If I delay posts, hold up on the usual blend of raging sarcasm, wit, and / or outright anger, it’s because the shitty committee is loud and proud today, and not much else is getting on.

I mean, seriously. Imagine living in a room where a series of critics barge in uninvited at any time of the day or night to shout relentless, unforgiving critiscm at you; that’s what the inside of my head feels like all the time.

Back next week.