You Can Just Say No

One Cool Trick That Nobody Knows - You Can Just Say No

Yeah, I broke out the trope of adding caps to every word, like some LinkedIn / cheap article farm moron. So sue me.

This realisation came to me in a flash during my most recent therapy session. Yes, I do therapy because I’m a real man who recognises the fact he has weaknesses and occasionally likes to talk about them with a professional. Ever used a plumber to fix a broken toilet? Yes? Then shut the fuck up.

I guess the thing that gets to me the most when dealing with salesy type places is the people who just can’t say no to anything, especially the shitty clients, the awful jobs, the contracts that are about to blow up in our faces the moment the ink dries on the paper… Those people, lizards who assume human form and walk among us, determined to spread the word of the exciting new product that everybody must have.

They, convinced they are the best assets in human history ever to walk the earth and bless us mere peons around them with their wisdom, will equally lose sight of their brains the minute a potential sale comes in, irrespective of the suitability of the customer. They will judge said suitability as ‘has money === good customer’, rather than considering even for a fucking moment if that customer is going to end up costing us more money than they are worth, even a few short weeks into the deal.

I have worked for many, many people like that. I have worked among them, listened to their sales patter, and hated every fibre of my ears and the parts of my brain that are capable of processing human speech. Those lizards among us are adept at convincing themselves that this customer is the Next True and Holy Thing that must be acquired at all cost, as long as they can gather the commission from the sale.

If this takes the soul and firstborn child from the rest of us poor bastards? Doesn’t matter; got the sale. Followed by the obligatory fist pump into the air, high fiving their buddies, and even ringing a godforsaken bell. Yes, I worked in an office that had a bell that got rung every time a big sale was made.

I wished many a time that I rigged that to a localised explosive, and cured all our problems in a stroke.

Where was I? Oh yes, wishing death on people selling shit to fools.

Aside from the recollections of my past, I still come across these people. I will explicitly tell them that this is a bad deal, the customer is a knuckle dragging neanderthal, and we will regret the moment we even catch their eye - but no, my opinion as an expert with decades of experience behind me is but nothing to the zesty person who equips themselves with the expertise that only 3 months in the job and a shiny suit can bring. Ding ding, motherfuckers! Here’s another shitty situation to clean up for me! I gotta the bag, though, yo!.

To these people, and their managers, and their managers’ managers, I say, repeatedly: “You can just say No”. I remind them of the last fourteen times we said yes, the resulting P&Ls soaked in blood red ink, and the wailing and gnashing of teeth that came from the hoards of Project Managers and Customer Support Executives that were handed the bag.

Not the one with the money in. The one that reeked of shit, and leaked all over anyone who had anything to do with it.

So, if you’re one of the money hungry, zesty sales execs who holds close their dream of porsche ownership fueled by the tears of everyone else, then I say: “fuck you”.

To everyone else - especially the ones who hold the reins of those bloodthirsty motherfuckers - I say: “Just say No. Once in a while. Tell them this is a shit sandwich and we’re tired of eating them. We want the quality customers; the ones we can help, who don’t load up our business with problems, and the ones who appreciate working with us”.

OK - so I made a comfortable living tidying up those messes for a very long time. I ate a lot of shit, took a lot of abuse, and walked away proud of what I’d done, but that’s not the point.

The point is this: deal with customers who make you happy, and pay you enough that you don’t starve, and give you the chance to look in the eyes of everybody else who works for you and say ‘Good Job’.

Take happy clients to lunch, and have them write you glowing references. Take those references and go get more customers who like you, and pay you, and stick around for a while. You’ll be happy, your team will be happy, and you will live long and prosper.

It takes more to say No than it does to say Yes, but I guarantee that you and everybody around you will be happier.