Conundrum

I made a mistake and it changes the way I think. I can feel it. Now what do I do?

Today (well, a few days ago, really), I made a mistake.

It was simple. I instantly dismissed a tender that I thought wasn’t worth doing. The description wasn’t right, and I leaned on my instinct.

But I’d fucked up. Turns out the description was wrong, but there was enough in there for me to look deeper, and I hadn’t. The gut call was wrong.

My boss found it, called it out, and I admitted my mistake but got defensive in the process; and that’s the crux of the matter. The defensiveness leads to other bones of contention, and while I was originally mad about these bones of contention, they point out a fundamental flaw in the way I operate.

The most crucial thing about bids is capture.

The art of capturing a bid is getting involved before it turns into a tender. Having the conversations with the client beforehand about why they feel the need to go out to bid. Who’s worked with them before? What’s right? What’s wrong? Who’s in the mix? What do we need to concentrate on, and what can we ignore?

The answers to these questions shape the bid, and avoid the fully compliant answer that doesn’t speak to the customer. This is an art, it’s tied to tenders very deeply, and without that information before we respond to a bid, the chances are low. It’s a cold one, and they can be hard to do.

My job is largely made up of cold bids. While that can be utterly soul destroying, it’s also eroding at my passion for the work. I’m putting in the hours, writing the content, redrafting over already compliant content to add the extra touch, but 99% of that is building on assumptions, rather than knowledge. And in the world of tendering, that doesn’t lead anywhere very quickly.

The tradeoff is that I am granted a great degree of flexibility, and I enjoy that freedom.

The uncomfortable conversation with my boss was necessary. I got sloppy, and dropped the ball. The painful point is that I’m trying to trade off my skill and experience, so making valid points about the process lands slightly less well than doing it from a position of perfection.

But - even as I write that sentence, I find myself pushing back.

Would I have missed that tender if we’d known about it beforehand? No, we wouldn’t. I’d have been waiting for it, ready to respond. Instead, I find mysself getting defensive about missing a bid that I never knew was coming. And despite my own (and my bosses’) expectations, bids you’re not expecting can be missed. Even when looking at the right words.

The extra painful part of this is the overwhelming shame I felt when I realised I was wrong.

The shitty committee - who I thought I had a handle on - gussied up their girdles and their skirts, clambered on their high horses, and berated me for hours. Not the voices in my head kind, but the constant feeling that I could have done better, and should have done better, and I better re-think all the decisions I’ve made recently because good goddamn, you can’t even do a simple task like this one.

I’m still trying to talk myself down off the ledge now.

But the conversation about lead gen and business development still needs to be had.

I should be working from a pipeline, not a selection of guesses from a list of new work.

There are lessons to be learned from this exercise.

• yes, I can be a little more diligent when searching.
• yes, I can also take a little more care when considering new opps - even if they are cold ones.

But, the underlying problem doesn’t go away, and that’s what’s causing me to get sloppy in the first place. What’s the point in doing a bid if we don’t have the information to win it?

And that rot is setting in harder than I thought it would. It’s the thing that’s driven me to start my own thing - granted, with little input into the process because I haven’t driven that rigour in clients either, so I’m little more than a word monkey.

The holes are starting to show in my process and determination to build something that works, alongside people that care about the process.

And if I’m honest about the whole thing, that’s what’s starting to burn me out.

The comfort I get from not being pushed too much has resulted in my refusing to make the noise and push better processes myself. In turn, I’m not exercising the muscles that help sharpen the processes and improve them. How can I demonstrate successful capture to clients if I haven’t done it myself?

Ah, dammit - I’ve found another weak point in my own argument.

I used to employ this rigour. I won bids from a position of strength and prior knowledge. Hell, I nearly got fired for developing a client relationship on the side in one job, that ultimately fulfilled my desire to build business and a solid pipeline of opportunity. I have done this before - long before the term ‘capture’ was applied to it. It’s good old relationship building.

I think that the reason why I’m not doing it now is because the industry is different, and I don’t have the impetus to learn it that deeply. Client development is more difficult when you don’t have a vested interest in the subject matter that means so much to them.

Well, that, plus the fact that I have an easy life. I wonder if I have the energy to apply myself to the hard stuff anymore.

And there goes the shitty committee again. Nicely blurring the lines between ‘can I do it’ and ‘do I want to do it’. I suspect that, in practice and in the right environment, the ‘can I do it’ is an obvious ‘hell yeah’ and ‘do I want to do it’ is a very large yes.

I also know the sector in which I’ve lived for the longest, and it’s not where I am now.

I think I know the answer. But the path isn’t quick or easy.

I have to make changes, several of them, and the longer I wait the more likely I am to talk myself out of them.

Addendum:

It’s the next day. I wrote this post in the heat of the moment, wracked with shame, and off the back of a defensive conversation over Teams with my boss. The points I make above still stand, but I have the benefit now of a good nights’ sleep, a phone call with my boss, and a slightly adjusted perspective.

My boss wasn’t rigorously checking everything I do to find an area where I’d messed up. He had had a conversation with someone who has experience of the client, and who had asked if we were bidding. That led to a re-examination and a poke at me to reconsider the casual dismissal.

I now have the benefit of getting more insight, having a look at a tender that I’d dismissed, and potentially adding value to it.

The proactivity still matters, and I haven’t dropped that; but by shedding the shame, reminding myself that a single mistake doesn’t write off my experience or dismiss me as a total failure, I’m able to continue doing what I do, while still planning the steps I need to take to improve my situation.

The answer I thought I had still stands. Changes need to be made. But now I’m able to make them with a clear head and a sense of optimism, not shame.

And to add to this, I’m not going to sign off with the instant dismissal of ‘I hope I can make this work’, but confidence that I can. I’ve been in this situation before (and a whole lot worse). So I know I can make changes that are better than the kneejerk anger response I was ready to do last night - that still can take me in the right direction.

See you next week.